


Strings and Lights

by Emptynarration



Category: Youtube RPF, Youtube egos
Genre: ( no mark only host and dr ip), ( sort of ), Angst, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Death, Headcanon, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Original Headcanon, Pain, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-25 17:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18169019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emptynarration/pseuds/Emptynarration
Summary: The Host has a secret.He can see lights, like auras almost, when he looks at someone.He can see his own death happening before his eyes, as his lights dissolve.But one little part clung to the lights of his lover, paining them both.





	Strings and Lights

Host was comfortable right where he was. Leaning back into Edward, his arms wrapped around him comfortably. He could stay like this forever, if he could choose to do so. Maybe he could, but he didn’t plan on testing fate. So instead, he enjoyed his lover’s presence, and the peaceful moment between them.  
“Edward?”, Host spoke up after a moment, breaking the peaceful silence between them. The doctor hummed softly in reply, nuzzling into Host’s hair.  
“Yes?”, he verbally replied after a few moments, moving his head to rest his cheek on top of Host’s head instead.  
“I’d like to show you something. Or, tell you, rather. Both.”, Host said, fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. Edward was intrigued, humming and leaning back. Moving so Host was still in his lap, but could lean against his chest, and they could see each other.

Host gently pulled his bandages off. Edward had seen him without them before, lots of times. He took care to clean them and wrap them up neatly whenever Host felt the need to go to the clinic. It was good that Host’s eyes weren’t bleeding right now, or else he probably wouldn’t have considered taking them off.  
Host gently laid his hand onto Edward’s chest,f ace turned to look at what he was doing.  
“I can see you.”, he said softly. “Not.. not like you see me. I suppose it’s like your life force. Your being?”, Host explained, keeping his voice soft. Edward could tell this was… special.  
“What do you see?”, he asked gently, looking at Host’s face. He didn’t mind the scars, the wounds from scratching, the empty eyesockets.  
“Light.”, Host replied, a faint smile on his lips. “You have mint coloured ones. They’re bright, and energetic. They seem really excited to be close to me.”, he chuckled softly, and Edward smiled.  
“Of course. I’m always excited being close to you after all.”, he hummed, and Host smiled, leaning his head against Edward’s chest.  
“They’re medium sized. Smaller than my fists. And sometimes, they leave sparkles behind. Or rather, something that looks like bubbles. It’s cute.”, Host continued, gently moving his fingers over Edward’s chest.

“Can you see your own light?”, Edward asked curiously, looking to Host’s hands, and then his chest. He assumed the lights were centered there, somewhere.  
“I can.”, Host nodded lightly. “They’re golden strings. Liquid gold, twirling and curling around my fingers. Ready to bend and mend reality to my every word.”.  
Edward hummed lightly, gently intertwining their fingers, laying their hands on his chest where Host had just had his hand.  
“They like to reach out to your lights. Wrap around them gently, or wiggle around them. It’s really pretty.”, Host murmured. He loved watching their lights. Seeing Edward’s almost able to feel the warmth and the love that radiated from them. Unlike how he perceived his own lights, sometimes feeling them wrap around his throat, too tight.  
“Never as pretty as you are, though.”, Edward said, and he couldn’t help the grin at Host’s amused little laugh, and the gentle colour on his cheeks.  
“Never as pretty as I know you are.”, Host replied with a smile. Chuckling softly, Edward gently laid his free hand onto Host’s cheeks, tilting his head to press a kiss to his lips.

“I love you.”, Edward spoke softly against them, lips thinner than his own, and far more chapped.  
“I love you too.”, Host replied, closing the smallest of gaps between them once more for another kiss.

* * *

“Host… please…”, Edward held Host closer to his chest, kneeling on the cold hard ground.  
“I’m sorry..”, Host mumbled, his grip on Edward’s chest so so loose. “I can’t… I can’t undo this.”.  
“Why not?… Please… please just- can’t you use your words?”, Edward was desperate, tears stung his eyes and threatened to spill over.  
Host weakly shook his head, pressing it into Edward’s chest. Blood was steadily dripping from his eyes, soaking into his shirt’s collar. He would never be able to wash that out -not that it mattered.  
“I can see them… dissolving.”, Host muttered. Empty sockets trained on his hands, watching the golden lights wrapped around his fingers disappear slowly. Dissolving into nothingness, as if they never had been there before.  
“Don’t-… please.. d-don’t leave me..”, tears dripped onto Host’s head, and he tightened his grip just a little more. He could feel Edward shaking, clutching him close to himself as if it would somehow keep him alive.  
“I’m sorry…”, Host mumbled. He wished he could do something. He wished he could stop this. But he couldn’t. He was dying, his powers were leaving him. His narrations -all those voices and sounds, all that noise- had stopped first. His head was so, so empty.  
“It’s n-not your fault..”, Edward replied quietly, trying to hold Host closer than he already did. Burying his face into Host’s shoulder, shaking with sobs. Feeling Host’s nimble hands holding onto his coat so weakly. It was breaking him.

“Ed?…”, Host murmured softly, raising a hand slowly to gently move it to Edward’s cheek. He barely grazed it -truly blind without his narrations- but Edward gently grabbed his hand and laid it onto his cheek.  
“Yes, Host?”, Edward replied softly, barely able to get himself to lean back enough to look at Host. He didn’t want him to die. He couldn’t live without him -he couldn’t. There was no way he could imagine a life without Host. Not after everything they went through, not when there was no one else he remotely cared about. Host was his  _everything_.

“Will you marry me?”.

Edward stopped for a second, blinking, before another sob broke free from his throat.  
“Of course! I love you- I love you so- so much.”, he sobbed, and he kissed Host, feeling his lover’s hand turn to hold onto his own.  
“I love you too..”, Host murmured, voice oh so quiet. His strength was leaving him, the last threads of his lights finally dissolving. His grip on Edward’s hand loosening, his head gently lolling against Edward’s chest. There wasn’t even the most subtle of rise and fall of his chest. Not a single sound in his chest.

“Do-n’t-”, Edward’s voice cracked, the feeling of Host going so terribly, terribly still being the most terrifying feeling he could have every imagined. He sobbed, holding Host as close to himself as he could, burying his face into his loved one’s hair. 

Begging for the world to please, please give him back.

_Don’t do this._

_**Please**_.

* * *

The first days, Edward felt like a ghost. Moving through life without feelings, other than a great emptiness inside of him. He missed Host, and he dreaded every single moment he was alone.  Which was most of the time.  
He couldn’t focus on working, and thus never was in the clinic. The other egos didn’t care too much anyways, especially with how they either came because of a paper cut, or never came with a broken limb or stabbed in the guts.

He didn’t really care about them anyways.

Without Host, there was no one he cared about. No one he  _could_  care about. No one ever came to look for him, look after him, just be there. No one ever bothered to talk with him. And whenever Edward had tried, in the past, no one had cared to listen to him. Or even pretend to be interested. So he had given up, and confided in Host, and he’s- he’d been happy.

But now, Host was gone.

At first, he thought he’d imagined it. He could still feel the warmth of Host’s kisses to his cheeks, or to his forehead.  
He could feel his arms wrapping around his neck when he was sitting at his desk, trying to do something,  _anything_ , to occupy his mind with.  
He could feel Host laying in bed behind him, snuggling close.  
He could feel him playing with his hair, or running his hands over his stubble, smiling.

Edward stumbled back in shock when he saw him.  
Like a ghost, barely there. Glowing a faint, golden colour on his outlines, and a faded mint emitted from his middle.  
But he smiled, happy, sad, and reached out for Edward. And Edward, he reached back, trying to hold Host’s hand- but he couldn’t. A sob passed his lips, and tears welled in his eyes, quickly running down his cheeks.  
“Ho-st-”, he wanted so badly to hold him. Feel his warmth, have him close to him again. Just being able to  _hold him_ again. Oh god did he miss him. He missed him so, so badly.

Edward fell to his knees, sobbing loudly, hiding his face in his hands. His whole body shook with the sobs wrecking through him, and there was no thought in his mind to try and stop it. Host- he missed him so, so much. He wanted to be with him, be wherever he was after one like them dies. He didn’t care, he just didn’t want to keep going like this.

The ghost? Phantom? Image? Whatever it was, Host, he knelt down in front of Edward. Gentle hands running over his hair without being able to touch it, moving over on top of Edward’s hands. There was no touching sensation, Host fazed through everything no matter what he did. But there was a faint feeling of warmth, and love.  
It helped. It helped Edward calm down, and once his sobbing stopped, and his crying ceased, he was able to lift his head from his hands again. Seeing Host’s gently smiling face, cupping his cheeks as if he could really touch him. Always so worried about him, always so loving, so comforting.

“I miss you.”, Edwards voice was barely above a whisper. But god did it  _hurt_. Seeing Host like this, seeing him so close to him, but being unable to touch him. To hold him, and kiss him. And he couldn’t hear him either. Host didn’t make a sound, and it despaired Edward even further. Here was his lover, or an image of him, and he couldn’t do anything but look, and feel the faintest of warmth on his skin wherever Host was close to him.  
He wondered if this was a hallucination. If maybe, his brain made this up. Too much grief causing him to try and think Host was still alive. But then why make him appear like a ghostly image? He had to be real, but Edward had no way of knowing. All he knew, was that Host was there. His lovely darling, his one and only, his  _everything_.

* * *

He didn’t vanish.

Host was there, with him, again and again. Sometimes, Edward didn’t see him. Couldn’t feel his warmth. But so often, Host was there with him. Sitting close to him, leaning against him as if he were corporeal, playing with his hair without ever moving it, kissing his cheeks without the feeling of lips on Edward’s skin.

Edward had no idea how much time passed. Each second felt like days had passed, and each day felt worse than the one before it. Life was going on, but Edward was refusing to follow along. He stood against the wind, he walked against it, screaming and struggling for time to turn back, but the river of time only ever moved against him.  
Host never perceived time as a river.  
Edward knew, in so many other realities, Host was alive. They were both so happy. He knew there were so many realities where theyr lifes were exactly the same as they had been here, but Host had never died. They could have asked the big question at another time. During a wonderful date, or a lazy day in bed. They could’ve had their beautiful, little wedding. All by themselves, happy and excited for the future.

A future Edward didn’t have, and never would.

The thought plagued him. It haunted his nightmares, and his every conscious second. Host was dead. He was  _gone_. Only this phantom of Host remained.

Host looked so pained.

Edward didn’t know why. A lot of the time, Host looked fine. Sad, but happy. Spending time with him. But sometimes, Host was looking at Edward with such despair. With so much sadness and distress. Clutching his chest, coat bunching beneath his hand, and mouthing words. So, so terribly desperate.  
But Edward didn’t know what he was trying to tell him, in these moments.  
Perhaps, he didn’t want to know.  
Perhaps he already knew.

He went through his life, as miserable as he felt, time moved on. Flowing around him, smoothing down his edges like a rock in a river. Unmoving, unwilling, stubborn.  
More and more, Host fluctuated between two appearances. One so sad to see Edward in the state he was in, so sad to be away from him, trying to comfort Edward. Trying to be there, even though he really wasn’t.  
And the other looked so incredibly pained. Sobbing, shaking, begging Edward silently.

It only got worse the longer time went on.

Edward knew what Host was screaming at him, so silent.

“Let me go.”

He didn’t want to. He couldn’t bear the thought of letting Host go.   
He couldn’t. He couldn’t.

 _He couldn’t_.

Host was his everything, he was his light in the darkness, the wind on a hot day, the blanket in the snow. He was his one and only, his life. And if he let go, he couldn’t ever dream of continuing.

He was so incredibly  _selfish_.  
He knew. He could see Host’s pain so clearly. The mint light in him was always so dim when he was. The golden light was weak, but there. Overpowering the mint, somehow. Host was suffering, and only because Edward couldn’t say goodbye.  
He didn’t want to.

* * *

Edward often found himself ignoring Host. Staring off into space, no thoughts in his head, no feelings. Sometimes, when he came back to himself, he’d find his cheeks wet with tears. Sometimes, he broke down sobbing and screaming, wishing for time to go back, for Host to not have died, for all of this to not be real. To not be the reality he has to live in.

More and more, he craved joining Host. End his life, and end his suffering. There was no light in his life anymore, no one to love, no one to hold. There was simply no one at all.  
Edward was all alone.

He knew doing this was the most gentle of ways. Overdosing on sleeping pills, and a few other medications he knew wouldn’t react too badly mixed together inside of him and make this any more painful than it had to be.  
Host was there, kneeling on the ground in front of him. Where he was sitting, leaning against the wall. Edward smiled weakly at the image of Host.  
“I’ll be with you soon.”, he said softly, throwing the pills into his mouth, and washing them down with water. He just wanted to sleep.

To sleep, and never wake up again.

His consciousness was fading, and it was hard to keep his eyes open. Eyelids growing heavy, drooping, dropping slowly. Head nodding down and up again, until it stayed down, almost limp. Eyes growing more and more tired. His vision got blurry, and he felt so numb to everything.

He just wanted it to end.  
Was that too much to ask for?

He felt the lightest of touches on his cheeks, the softest of glows illuminating his blackening eyesight, as his eyes fell closed. He could feel the tremble in those hands.

“Don’t die for me.”

He was so drowsy. But he could swear he heard Host’s voice. He tried to reply, but the words he tried slurred together and barely came out as any sort of sound discernible as words.

He felt the touch vanish, and the warmth lingered as he faded into darkness.

* * *

His head was pounding, and he groaned. He was laying on the ground, the wall to his back. A pool of his own vomit was right there as well, making him gag. He could make out the pills he had swallowed, somewhat.

“How?…”, he muttered to himself, pushing himself up into a sitting position weakly. Gripping his head, he moaned in pain. Everything hurt, everything was so uncomfortably numb, and his head felt ready to explode.  
Sweaty strands of hair stuck to his forehead, and he pushed them out of his face, hand running through his hair. It was then that he noticed something.

It felt weird, like something was on his finger. Pulling his hand into his vision, he saw a golden ribbon tied around his ring finger. It looked like liquid gold, shining slightly in the light. And on it, he could see writing.  
Tears welled up in his eyes. He felt the sobs building in his chest, and he looked around, trying to see him.  
See Host.

But he was gone.

He wasn’t there. There were no lingering touches, no phantom feelings, no lingering warmth. It was just him, him all alone, in his room where he had tried to kill himself.

He screamed, pain and anguish mixing together, and he sobbed.  
“Don’t! Don’t do this to me! Plea-se!”, his voice cracked as he screamed, dissolving into sobs. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t  _want_  to do this. He didn’t want- he wanted to be with Host, he wanted so desperately to be with him.

But the words, etched onto the ribbon with Host’s beautiful handwriting, wouldn’t just let him.

“Live for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Because I can’t have a HC without turning it incredibly sad.  
> Wrote it cus of a frend on tumblr I rp with and our bois love and deserve better than this  
> And also wanted to use my hc a little cus yea
> 
> Leave a comment if you read pls? Thank <3


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